I think it is time for a spring cleaning post, dusting out the cobwebs that seem to be forming in my mind, and figuring out where to go from here. This winter was hard- long, lonely, isolating, exhausting. The boys rarely nap at the same time, and since I am a stickler for a good nap schedule as opposed to napping on the go, that means endless hours at home. Vik naps in the morning, as he is getting up, Vijay goes down for his nap, and shortly after he wakes up, Vik goes down again. Down and up, up and down. It’s not until around 7:30, 8 at night when both boys go to bed that I finally have a minute alone, and then there is laundry to be done, dishes to wash, bills to pay, emails to catch up on, and general tidying to attend to. All in all, it makes for long days, at home, passing the time while one of the boys sleeps and the other demands my attention. In a way, my life feels like groundhog day- the same scenario playing out day after day, without a light at the end of the tunnel. The online world can be a dangerous place for someone in this stage of life- while I feel restless and often bored to tears, the rest of the bloggers and twitterers and instagramers that I occasionally check in on seem to be living lives full of excitement, both personal and professional. “Hey- I’m writing a book, teaming up with a cool company, traveling to exotic locals for photoshoots.” Oh really, well I’m up to my elbows in shitty diapers, and dirty dishes, and mounds of laundry and if I dare to rest while the boys overlap naps for 10 minutes, dust bunnies might come and carry me away. So I better keep on keeping on. In a recent post, a commenter noted that being a mother and keeping house is like trying to bail out a sinking ship with a sieve. I love this analogy as it feels so utterly and completely true. There will be a moment during the day when everything is done, tidy, clean, neat and in its rightful place. I take a deep breath and drop into the nearest chair, looking forward to knitting, or blogging, or doing something creative, and without fail, someone cries. I go upstairs and sure enough, one of the boys is up from their nap- they need to be fed, and changed, they spill their lunch, their bed is wet and needs to be washed. As I’m trying to manage the situation, the other awakes with a poopy diaper and needs a bath, and he’s hungry and the other is wailing downstairs because his juice spilled all over the table….and just like that, there are endless chores to be done. The chaos has won.
At the moment, I’m struggling to find where blogging fits into the equation. My camera doesn’t see much activity, and I’m not someone who is comfortable just posting pictures of my kids all the time- I have plenty of those, but they are just for us. So I’m not sure where that leaves me…where that leaves this space, which has been a constant in my life for years and which I have worked so hard to build. Perhaps I am imagining it, but I don’t feel much enthusiasm coming through when I post- not many comments these days, which brings out my feelings of inadequacy, especially when I see how many comments other blogs with similar type posts get. All of this is to say, I’m not sure where I’m going, and I’m not sure where I am- but I am lost, lost in an in-between space. I need a project to sink my teeth into- but the projects I have been working towards are not coming to fruition (we’re talking 30 page book proposals that you have poured your heart into being given a simple “no”- it can be devastating). Nothing seems to be falling into place in the way I hoped. And I don’t mean to complain- really, I fully know how blessed I am to have a loving family, two healthy, sweet children, the support to stay at home with them, a writing gig that occasionally allows me to engage my brain cells, and the stability that my husband’s job provides. Am I lucky, and extremely fortunate? Absolutely. Was this a hard winter, and am I feeling pretty damn lost? Absolutely. One truth can exist with the other. That’s what I’m learning.
So I ask you this- what do you do when exhaustion, and the tediousness of life with little ones threatens to overtake you?
Why do you visit me here? What do you get from this space? Is there anything you would like to see more/ less of?
How do you decide when it’s time to move on from blogging? Have any of you shut down your blogs? Was it a good decision, or do you regret it?